By Alexis Coore 20'
While it is not a scientific term, the idea of a ‘helicopter parent’ is universally known. Also referred to as ‘cosseters,’ these types of parents can be characterized by their controlling demeanor when it comes to their youngsters. The title typically carries a negative connotation, but what are the actual downsides? Are there benefits from utilizing this style of parenting, or do the cons outweigh them?
Of course, parents need to make sure they are involved in their child’s life. Healthy involvement leads to higher grades, better behavior, and an increase in the child’s self-confidence. As adults, they are more likely to become fully functioning members of society. However, over-involvement can have adverse effects.
According to a Healthline article on helicopter parenting, the style can “backfire and cause a child to develop low self-confidence or low self-esteem.” These parents are notorious for making every decision for their child. Whether it be something as simple as clothing or as complex as their work life, the parent will make sure to have the final say in the matter.
Due to an inability to govern their choices, the child will learn to second-guess everything they do, and they will eventually lose all self-confidence. While the consequences may be minimal when they are young, they will only evolve as the child grows into an adult. This adult will lack critical conflict resolution skills and will be unable to make meaningful relationships.
By the same token, if this adult does not struggle with a lack of confidence, then they will have an abundance of it. An article for Very Well Family by Amy Morin identified ten reasons why helicopter parents exist. A major cause was that the parents did not want their child to feel upset. Rather than allowing their baby to experience any form of disappointment, the parents get rid of the problem before it ever rears its head. It is understandable why they might choose to do this; most guardians want their charges to grow up with the perfect life and never have to stress over an issue. Alas, while doing this, they are also giving in to any whim the child may have.
Those who grow up without hearing the word ‘no’ are at risk of developing a distorted sense of entitlement; the world revolves around them, and they deserve only the best it has to offer. While their guardians may follow this unspoken rule, the rest of the world will not. This conundrum is practically universal and has even been dubbed the ‘Little Emperor” or “Little Princess” epidemic in China. These children care only about themselves and fully expect others to bend to their will. To combat this, China has taken to extreme measures. They have been spreading tales of matricide, scenarios in which a petulant child murders their mother after being chastised.
Even with all of these adverse effects, helicopter parenting is still prevalent today. A study done by Pew Research Center in 2015 found that in the United States, 62% of all parents consider themselves to be too overprotective, and 54% of parents think they are too involved in their child’s education. There must be a benefit to this form of child-rearing.
When it comes to the children, it all has to do with their connection with their parents. According to a Good Therapy article by Vicki Botnick, children with helicopter parents typically feel cared for and supported. As long as the parent is putting the child’s needs above their own, the children will feel as though the parent’s world will revolve around them; a sentiment that isn’t far off the mark. On top of that, Ms. Botnick noted that children are more likely to be exposed to more resources. “These kids get therapy, school testing, vocational evaluations, extracurricular trainings, and more. And while they may be overscheduled and over-observed, they are also privy to a large amount of information about their temperaments, skills, and interests.”
Cosseting may also give these children a ‘leg-up’ when it comes to raising their children, as well. Due to the protected nature of their childhood, as well as strong familial ties, they will be able to raise their sons and daughters without struggling with the problems of the past. Without having to focus so much on themselves, they will be better able to devote both time and attention to their children. As for the parents, the benefits are purely emotional. A research article written by Claire E. Ashton-James, Kostadin Kushlev, and Elizabeth W. Dunn for the Sage Journal states that “more child-centric parents reported deriving more happiness and meaning from parenthood.” It is natural for parents to put their child’s happiness and well-being above their own, but it is less natural to center one’s entire life around the child instead of finding a balance. Nonetheless, parents who do this have found parenting to be that much more joyful. These parents are also more likely to report that being a parent contributes more to their overall identity than those who allow their children to be independent.
There are a few reasons someone might become an overprotective guardian. They might be worried about upsetting their kids or simply want their children to lead lives full of nothing but happiness. A much more severe underlying reason has to do with a parent’s subconscious needs.
According to a study done by Child Trends, 45% of children in the United States have reported going through a traumatic event. These children will then carry those memories over into adulthood, and it will stay with them throughout parenthood. Fearful of their kids going through the same experiences, the parents will overcompensate for their own childhoods, leading them to hover over their own kids. The need to ensure the children enjoy their youth often rivals with the fact that children need a mix of both rules and independence. When the delicate balance has been upset, a helicopter parent is born.
Of course, in some cases, such a form of parenting might be necessary. While Ms. Tammy DelRosario, a physical education teacher here at Dunellen High School, does not agree with parents who hover over their children, she also understands when it might be necessary. “At times you might have to be a helicopter parent. Like with drugs and stuff, or really anything dangerous.” If one believes their child may be involved in any potentially harmful activities, then it may be necessary to exude more control in their lives. Of course, there is a difference between a concerned caregiver and a cosseter. Ms. DelRosario notes that “when a parent is doing the 24/7 hovering over their kids,” then they have crossed the line and have become true helicopter parents.
There are steps a person can take in order to become less of an overbearing presence in their children’s lives. Ms. Laurel Hunnewell, a senior at DHS, notes that her own helicopter parents are that way because they worry about her and the choices she might make. In order to remedy this, she says, “If [parents] give the kid freedom and it works out then they’ll learn that they don't have to have a constant reign.” Parents do not have to cut themselves off from their children’s lives, they simply need to experiment with varying degrees of independence. If the child proves responsible, then parents can gradually increase the amount of independence they receive.
Can the advantages of such a parenting style outweigh the harm being done? It is important to empower children to make their own decisions and allow them to feel somewhat independent of their parents. This does not mean that parents should stay out of their lives; neither neglect nor cossetting is ideal. A healthy amount of involvement can produce a mentally mature and stable adult. There needs to be a balance, one in which the child feels free to be themselves while also being able to rely on the ones they trust most.
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